idea by AKK, edited by A. Kniggendorf
ad-credits given in text
Fine rooms to rent, all inclusive.
Got an inconvenient relative?
A deadbeat roommate?
An ex-boyfriend who just won't leave you alone?
Your place looks crumpled?
Your neighborhood sucks?
You feel paranoid about the wonderful spybots?
BY GOD! You ran out of drugs!
We'll connect you to the dealer of your choice for just 5.67 Crowns/sec. ~AKK
Got fines that need fixing?
Tickets you don't want to pay?
A murder to cover up?
Call 555-BRIBE and we will take care of you. ~Trivia
Announcement in own affairs:
TTV Spot news moderator.
Well paid, highly regarded, free lodging and food.
Average life expectancy: 1 show.
Apply at... ~AKK
Your neighborhood has humans?
Call Exterminate Inc.!
We'll catch, bind, and hand them over to the authorities
for just 50% of the reward. ~AKK
Memory Birds Inc. : our birdbrains are the best! ~Trivia
Join the Forces! Adventures throughout the Galaxy!
Attractive Armor, free flights, and Royal employer all inclusive!
Enlist NOW! ~AKK
1,000,000 Crown reward for information leading to the capture of former TTV anchorperson Jujub Horkinak. (one of them got away) ~Trivia
OFFICIAL PALACE ANNOUNCEMENT:
Whoever withholds knowledge about GalaxyRangers
commits a major offence and faces eternal wrath of the Queen (to be spent in a comfortable private booth. visit the psychocrypt for a personal experience of our improved comfort). ~AKK
Excellent medical benefits!
Apply Room 21325, West Wing, Royal Palace.
Gherkins and humans preferred. ~Trivia
Need a hand (or a whole being to do the job)?
We take orders up to 5000 entities. ~AKK
For sale: Full equipment for earth-style rock band.
Highest quality instruments. Slightly used.
Comes with free complimentary video of Eve Wheiner's band. ~Trivia
(males only) Excellent gratification.
Sportive physique a necessity.
Apply Room 6-69. (appropriate clothing available at location) ~AKK
Tortuna Bell: Run for the Border! ~Trivia
Sick of routine tortures?
We go for the *specials*
Call 555-SCREAM! ~AKK
Tortuna Evening Classes:
1) a slaverlord, the slightly different neighbor
2) how to bribe crown agents properly
3) mannerisms of spydroids
4) psychocrypt ettiquette
5) how to avoid traffic jams while lying dead.out with drugs in the street
6) make money! catch humans! We show you how!
7) the sensible crowntrooper - a being like you and me
8) city hygiene: how to deal with spydroids, tunnels, and humans. ~AKK
Got an enemy that no one will take on?
Call Killbane Inc. and we'll take them out. ~Trivia
Need some flair, some grandeur, some magic?
Call Mogul, court magician extraordinnaire ~AKK
REWARD: 5.000 crowns for the critter's head who posted the last ad. ~AKK
Need hands for your business?
Genetically enhanced versions in stock! ~AKK
DESPERATELY SEEKING HUMANS
Will pay top dollar ~Trivia
Memory Bird Malfunctions? Not with us!
Call BrainBirdCo. (Royal Servant). ~AKK
Your slaverlord bubbles?
Let's learn in 10 easy steps how to work properly with the spongefish-95 model.
Want that lovely lilac glow?
Get Superba Cosmetics and get the Royal treatment. ~Trivia
In need of tamed men?
Want to add royal glamour to your lifestyle?
Consort Inc. - the dating agency! ~AKK
Suffering hair loss?
Our top specialists will show you how to best conceal it from your subjects.
Call 555-GO-BALDY! ~Bruinhilda
12,000,000 for the head of the Baldy Hair Replacement Co. Body optional. ~Trivia
Sightseeing throughout the Empire.
Psychocrypt all inclusive!
Call your travel agent right NOW.
Dial 555-CRYSTALNOW ~AKK
COOKING WITH US: Humans - the other white meat. ~AKK
Need that annoying person in your life gone?
HitMen R Us! For all your extermination needs.
Call 555-REAPER ~Bruinhilda
Government repossessions and surplus equipment.
Ships, cybersteeds, memory birds, crown troopers all sold to the highest bidder.
Saturday, October 12, viewing starts 7 a.m., bidding starts at noon. ~Trivia
Got stuff? Need money?
Go blackmarkets! The only address with consent of the palace! ~AKK
Got information the Crown wants?
Don't want to attract the attention of the crown troopers?
Confidential reports to the Crown without the hassle, for only 25% of the reward. ~Trivia
Stuck in a dead end job? Going no where fast?
Then see your Crown trooper Recruiter Today!
We're looking for a few expendable bodies! ~AnnieO
Crown Insurance Agency.
We provide coverage against fire, flood, meteor showers,
psychocrystalization, and so much more! ~Trivia
Rival companies? Annoying superiors?
Call Kill'em Inc. The easier way up. ~AKK
Your life's no fun? Your wife's gone?
Humans burned your house?
The troopers found your tunnel?
Don't give up! PSYCHAM shows you the productive way ahead!
Call 555-CRYPT ~AKK
To whoever it was who ratted me out to the Rangers:
I did not appreciate having the Runt kick down my door and shoot up my apartment. When I get my hands on you I will show you exactly why Killbane Inc. is the nastiest elimination agency in Crown Space. ~Trivia
You're a tech genius?
You aren't afraid to take risks?
You like to dwell at high places?
Call 555-PALACE - we might use you. ~AKK
When you go out on the town, you want people to know who you are.
You want people to treat you with respect.
You want Obsession for Tyrants. The scent of power. ~Bruinhilda
All levels of Crown Fleet personnel, including engineers, pilots, navigators, programmers, communications, and weapons techs. ~Trivia
log on at cannonfodder.com ~Bruinhilda
20 minutes work, 1 month's pay!
Free food and lodging!
Call 555-CRYPTME ~AKK
Want to look like a Queen?
Come to Capes-R-Us. ~Trivia
Get your picture taken with Elvis!
Visit Madame Toussaud's Tortuna. ~Trivia
TTV PROUDLY ANNOUNCES:
Hogokuk's late night talk:
Topic: The secret desires of the Queen!
Date and Place secret. Stay tuned. ~AKK
LIVE UNCENSORED FOOTAGE FROM THE QUEEN'S BOUDOIR!
Not for the weak-stomached or children. ~Trivia
TTV sadly reports the sudden decease of it's senior stuff. ~AKK
All positions available. apply NOW!
and at the same time on
Crown Shopping Network:
"And that's not all, call now and we'll throw in an offspring of the MOTHMOOSE OF KIRWIN! That's right, for only 49.95 crowns, we'll send you the X-Factor genetic enhancing agent, a gelatinous henchman, a floating holder for your brain and an offspring of the MOTHMOOSE OF KIRWIN! Mothmoose offspring available on first come, first serve basis. Crown Inc not liable for mutations, side effects and mishaps due to the use of X-Factor (heck, we threw in the brain holder didn't we, Negata?).
Act now, supplies are limited!"