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"I
shouldn't have had that second Andorian ale."
"Don't
worry. You don't look drunk at all, Doc."
"That's
not the problem. The ale is non-alcoholic, but it's...
producing." He looked uncomfortably at Niko, who was walking
back to their ship with him and Goose, and took smaller steps. "I
don't think I can hold out till we're on board."
"There
ought to be restrooms," Niko assured him.
"Sure.
Since everything you put in has to come out somewhere,"
Goose grinned.
"You can
laugh about it, Gooseman. You only had kafkanian juice!"
"I
didn't like the smell of that ale." Goose looked ahead.
"There's a servant. Let's ask her."
I
really couldn't ask a young woman like her how to use a toilet!
Doc thought to himself as he tried to decode the hieroglyphic
signs on the inside of the lid. Hell! There are more keys and
buttons and control panels than on Ranger-1! And he didn't
understand Andorian. The only sign in Standard entreated men to
sit down. But technical logic was the same everywhere in the
universe, so... He pulled out his CDU. "Pathfinder, Firefly
– are you there?"
Blinking
spots of light rushed out and danced around him.
"Find
out how this works."
The
colored sparkles sprang into the gleaming white throne, causing
the displays on the arm rests to flash wildly.
The
green sparkle reappeared first: =You have to sit down, Doc.
Otherwise this thing won't start.=
He
followed the order and noticed that the white glass plate which
sealed the bowl below the seat vanished into the back
wall.
=Activate the flush
before–=
"I know what
comes next!" He interrupted his program. With his trousers
around his ankles he tried to find the controls for the flush.
Finally, he noticed a toggle switch near the top of the right arm
rest. It was marked with two Andorian symbols he knew; the
Standard equivalents were " + " and " - ".
'Okay.' He touched the " + ". Nothing happened. He left
his thumb pressed on it. 'Maybe these Andorians need as much time
in the lavatory as they need in mathematical discussions!' A red
sparkle danced around his head.
=Got
it! Got it! Got it! Yes. Yes. Yes.=
"What
have you found out, Firefly?"
=How
to start. See, first you–=
"Just
do it!" He snapped, his temper frayed by his almost bursting
bladder. Finally, he heard the rush of flooding water below him.
"Pheww. That's better. –- Oww!!!" He jumped up,
almost tripping over his trousers. The seat had grown suddenly
hot. The bowl was filled with steam. For a moment he worried
about burn blisters on the parts of his body that he least wanted
wounded. He stared, annoyed and horrified, at the enemy and
realized, startled, that it was still working. "Make it
stop!" He commanded his programs.
=We
can't do that.= The green sparkle buzzed above the bowl. =We
can't shut down in the middle of a cycle! It's unsanitary! And
it's a bad idea to stand up while–=
"Forget
it. I'm not gonna roast my backside!"
=But
the bidet func–=
A tiny
chrome swivel arm appeared in the bowl and started spraying warm
water upwards. Doc got totally soaked as he fumbled with his
trousers, trying to get out of there.
"Firefly!
Stop it right now!"
=Okay,
Doccie. It's your funeral. I'll switch out of this program. The
new one should wait for a startup cue.=
"Do
it." He sighed, wiping water droplets out of his
face.
=Uh oh. Sorry, Doc! The
new program is trying to finish the job.=
Doc
looked up in alarm and was bathed in a big cloud of soft,
blue-colored steam while a very polite, feminine voice said in
formal Andorian that they were pleased she had used this
modern facility of personal wellness.
He
had no choice. He couldn't wait in the restroom until his hair
and his clothes dried; that would take hours. He imagined Niko
and Gooseman growing uneasy at his long silence, imagined Niko
asking Gooseman to break down the door for fear something had
happened to him – and shuddered in horror at the next image
his mind created. "Be cool. Don't let on you've made a fool
out of yourself..." He stepped back into the corridor.
"Let's go."
The two of
them stared at him in fascination. He left them behind, leaving a
track of water drops on the marmor plates. As they didn't follow:
"I've just taken a shower."
"Doc,
are you sure that ale was non-alcoholic?" Niko asked
doubtfully.
Beside her, Goose
sniffed audibly. "Do you use perfume?" he
asked.
"No. Just some
aftershave lotion this morning," Doc said in the most
offended tone he could muster. He walked briskly, trying to
escape the palace as quickly and discreetly as
possible.
Niko chuckled faintly.
"It smells like eau de toilette."
"You
mean eau de toilet." Goose laughed.
Doc
increased his speed and shouted, "Shut up! Both of
you!"
The sniffing
repeated. "Lavender?"
Doc
started to run.
They
watched him hurry around the next corner and out of
sight.
"I think he'd prefer
the toilets on Bisty-Fenokee, Goose." Niko said earnestly.
"They're far easier to use."
"Yeah.
You can't do much wrong with a hole in the ground."
"Except
fall into it," she grinned.
"That
wouldn't smell like lavender at all."
______________________________________________________________
Technical
note:
Andorian
toilets are computerized. A sensor determines the sex of the
person who enters the rest room and automatically loads the
corresponding program (for men or women). The programs differ
mainly in the scents used to eliminate any smells that remain in
the clothes.
The toggle switch at the top of the right arm
rest is the control for the flush water temperature. To avoid
injuries caused by incorrectly regulated temperatures, the water
temperature for the bidet function is limited to 40 degrees
Celsius (104 F). This limitation does not apply to the flush
water.
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